I am free.
A while back, I’d been struggling with an addiction for so long, without even knowing it’s there. I used to crave it everyday and sometimes the devil brings the lie of the addiction back into my mind. I had an approval addiction…
What I mean by an ‘approval addiction’ is that I used to crave having people’s approval or feeling accepted by people. It was the end of the world if someone didn’t like me or acknowledge my existence. I would constantly worry and stress if someone likes me and when people insulted me just a little or if they were angry at me, my chest would tighten and my stomach would knot with stress until that person eventually liked me or we stopped fighting.
My world and my happiness was dependent on people liking me, if I was popular enough or if I was in everyone’s good books. I ended up being needy in the eyes of most people. I ended up having no friends and the friends I had just tolerated me and always left me out of conversations. Until something changed…
Within a few weeks, my parents got divorced and I went to stay with my dad. It was just me and him and I felt broken. I felt rejected and abandoned. I had no friends, no mom and I pushed my dad away. Life was horrible. Until one day I heard of someone who knows who I am, yet He loves me more than I could ever fully know.
I was always a Christian, but I believed God was like karma, and I believed that He was punishing me because I wasn’t good enough. I thought that, like all the other people, He thought I was not worth accepting. I went to Redemption Church and I couldn’t stop crying in the worship songs, for they were singing of a God that loved me, cared for me and wanted to be in my life. That was just the beginning, the Pastor started talking about “Grace” and that changed my life.
Grace means undeserved, unearned favour. It means that God was never karma. Yes, He is just and through being just He sent his only Son to die for all our sins that WE might be FREE. That He no longer held my bad decisions against me, but that it was forgiven. That guilt and condemnation no longer could have a hold on me.
Knowing that a God so powerful, full of patience and so holy wanted to have a deep, intimate relationship with me, changed my life. Why do I need people’s approval? When I have a heavenly Father that loves and accepts me for who I really am.
I no longer have an approval addiction. Now and then the lie creeps in that I need everyone to like me but thank God that it does not stay there for too long, for God always reminds me of how much He loves me and that I don’t need the approval from others, for I am fully known and loved by Him…
With love
-Annie